the last day ever
7-5-09
and suddenly today
i feel a sense of pivoting
of turning a corner
from one world to another
it feels meaningful somehow,
(a sense of meaning, not any particular one)
it feels potent,
with a large sense of presence
mostly what i feel is stillness,
stillness and quiet.
as though this is the last day ever.
no future, no plans,
nowhere to get to, nothing to do,
too quiet and still to do much of anything,
as though this is the last day ever.
perhaps there's a feeling of futility,
no sense in doing anything at all.
it all feels empty and meaningless
as though this is the last day ever.
stripped bare
of even the reactivity to being stripped bare,
yet full in a simple way,
quiet... present... stilled.
who knows why life moves us the way it does?
stirred one day and stilled the next.
all i know is that i don't know
and that it probably has nothing to do with me.
i am nothing.
a grain of sand, a wrench, a mouthpiece, a jug,
a marionette danced by invisible strings,
a finger with delusions of godhood.
what do i know?
more and more it's less and less.
and all i can do
is wait for the impulse to do the next thing.
i feel a sense of grief here,
as though an old way of being
is no longer viable, no longer possible,
just simply gone.
i don't know what this means
and i don't care.
i'm just sitting here with my mouth full of it
as though this is the last day ever.